Hyprophesize

jokes: voice boxing, frog fishing

2009-03-15T13:16:00.001-07:00

British doctors are debating whether it is ethical to start clinical trials to allow voice box transplantation.

It is only a matter of time before other ethical questions will arise, such as how to decide who gets to have James Earl Jone’s voice box.

A brightly-coloured fish which bounces along the seabed has been hailed as a new species of frog fish by scientists - who have dubbed it "psychedelica".

Sadly, this discovery comes far too late for a late 60’s band to be named the New Psychedelica Frogfish.

Jokes: word fossils, real fossils

2009-03-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

A linguistics team says it can predict which English words are likely to become extinct - citing "squeeze", "guts", "stick" and "bad" as probable first casualties.

That’s right, soon these words will be extinct, and no one will be able to understand any of the dialogue in today’s porn.

LOS ANGELES - Scientists are studying a huge cache of Ice Age fossil deposits recovered near Los Angeles' famous La Brea Tar Pits.

Incredible. They found fossils. Right beside a famous deposit of fossils.

Jokes: space shuttles and mad scientists

2009-02-17T20:03:00.000-08:00

TRENTON, N.J. – Drug company Pfizer Inc., is laying off up to 800 scientists in its latest effort to refocus and cut overhead

Pfizer is helping to locate jobs for the displaced, and also spearheading experiments to create superheroes to save us from the ranks of mad scientist supervillains these layoffs will no doubt create.

WASHINGTON - The head of NASA says the cost of continuing the life of the space shuttle past next year's planned retirement is $3 billion a year plus extending the risk of a deadly accident.

But buying out the lease at this point would be a real mess.

sick squirrels and Ritalin

2008-11-16T20:46:00.000-08:00

Endangered red squirrels in the UK may finally be developing immunity to a disease carried by invasive non-native grey squirrels.

Wait, a British species is nearly annihilated because a foreign species came and spread diseases? Oh, the irony.

Increasing numbers of people are using prescription drugs like Ritalin to boost alertness and brain power. A UK bioethics professor says people should be allowed to make their own minds up about using drugs like Ritalin to boost alertness and brain power.

Yes, people should be allowed to make up their own minds, their own deeply drug-addicted minds.

jokes: hybrid stem cells, teasing the space geeks, and dancing dinosaurs

2008-11-03T16:06:00.000-08:00

Geologists say they have discovered prehistoric animal tracks so densely packed on a 3/4-acre site that they’re calling it a “dinosaur dance floor.”

And now we know what next summer’s crappy computer-animated Disney film is going to be about.

LONDON – British government overhauled sensitive science laws to allow scientists to use hybrid animal-human embryos. Also under the new laws: in-vitro fertilization clinics will no longer have to consider the need for a child to have a father when deciding whether to offer treatment to lesbian couples.

Yes, it’s good that they’re finally through debating the role of a father in a child’s life, now that they have to start debating the role of a cow.

NASA administrator Michael Griffin said critics in the media and on anonymous Internet blogs can "chip away" at morale by questioning the motives and ethics of engineers designing a next-generation rocket system.

Okay, I’m no rocket scientist, but even I know that telling anonymous internet bloggers that they have destructive power will not make them stop.

British astronauts! and taste buds in your belly

2008-10-13T21:36:00.000-07:00

Britain's new science minister has made it clear that he thinks the country ought to have an astronaut to inspire young people to pursue careers in science.

He’s right. Youngsters in the UK and elsewhere should aspire to "orbit it like Beckham”.

A US-based team of scientists studying digestion say that taste receptors in the gut may slow absorption of bad-tasting foods, suggesting that some medication might be absorbed more quickly if it was not so bitter tasting.

So, now we know that the advertisements are in fact wrong: Buckley’s tastes awful, and hence does NOT work.

Lights out, and no corn for you!

2008-03-29T16:16:00.000-07:00

TORONTO - Millions of people across Canada and around the globe are expected to turn out their lights Saturday evening to raise awareness about pollution and global warming in an initiative known as Earth Hour.

It will be hard to get by without electricity for an hour, but I intend to tough it out by the warmth of a pile of burning tires.

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — The price of corn could either stabilize or continue to soar depending on how much corn American farmers choose to plant this season.

Yeah, you all laughed when I started hording Doritos, but who’s laughing now?

No one wants to say it, but the next time you go for a corn cob pipe, it might not be there.

Plagues, Canadian Institutions, and fat lazy gorillas

2008-03-18T04:52:00.000-07:00

OTTAWA - Industry Minister Jim Prentice says he won't approve the sale of iconic Canadian space technology, the 'Canadarm', to a major American arms-maker unless it has a "net benefit" to Canada.

The financial gain would have to be considerable, he argued, to compensate for the trouble of having to re-write all of the Canadian edition Trivial Pursuit questions that include it in some way, let alone the social studies textbooks.

CHICAGO - In the face of mounting research on wild animals' food needs, today's zoo staffers are trying new feeding tricks to keep their lions and tigers healthy and happy, with fewer sugary snacks.

In a more advanced tactic, zoos in LA are training keepers to ridicule the animals until they develop anorexia.

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (AP) — Snakes — including one 10-foot anaconda — are increasingly invading the eastern Amazon’s largest city, driven from the rain forest by destruction of their natural habitat, the government’s environmental protection agency said Tuesday.
Government spokespeople downplayed the issue, noting that "It's not an actual plague until there are frogs and/or locusts."

Cocaine, and powerful sex messages

2008-03-17T00:59:00.000-07:00

Coca plantations and a cocaine laboratory have been found for the first time in a Brazilian part of the Amazon rainforest, provoking worry that if there was not an immediate crackdown, it might even become a new source of deforestation.

So do your part: make sure your dealer is pushing fair trade, sustainably produced cocaine, or take your business elsewhere.

A University of Calgary scientist will receive more than $1 million over the next seven years in his bid to determine whether chemical messages transmitting sexual attraction can be harnessed to repair brain-cell damage and give back the disabled use of their limbs.

Here’s hoping it can, because otherwise it’s just cruel to get a bunch of people who can’t move, really turned on.

Glowing pigs: TNG

2008-01-11T17:00:00.000-08:00

Researchers in Denmark report that the Alcon butterfly has managed to produce larvae with a chemical coating similar to that of the local Myrmica rubra ants, tricking the ants into feeding the young.

But the jig will be up when the ants and butterflies settle it once and for all, on next week’s Maury!

BEIJING - A cloned pig whose genes were altered to make it glow fluorescent green has passed on the trait to its young, a development that could lead to the future breeding of pigs for human transplant organs, a Chinese university reported.

There was no immediate word on when the researchers might start to attempt to breed pigs with useful mutations instead of cool ones.

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - A trail of chicken bones left at a burglary scene more than a year ago has led investigators to a Kansas prison inmate with a long rap sheet and a hefty appetite. Police tracked down the suspect through DNA left on six chicken bones strewn throughout a Gladstone apartment where several firearms were stolen in November 2006.

The chickens have yet to be identified but hopefully, soon, their families can have some measure of peace.

SINGAPORE - Male macaque monkeys pay for sex by grooming females, according to a recent study that suggests the primates may treat sex as a commodity.

So, guys, if you want to get laid, it’s time to learn to do pedicures.

Intelligent chimps, deathly stupid/brave mice

2007-12-30T22:07:00.000-08:00

TOKYO - Using genetic engineering, scientists at Tokyo University say they have created mice that display no fear of cats.

The specimenes were not on hand, as the researchers were not successful in their attempts to breed cats that don’t love eating fearless mice.

A young chimpanzee has resoundingly outperformed college students in memory tests in an experiment at Kyoto university.

Critics of the study suggested that the researchers didn’t compensate for the years of superior schooling enjoyed by the chimpanzee.

Researchers are excited for the next phase of the experiment, in which they use college students who aren't high.

It remains unclear whether or not chimpanzees are intelligent enough to be really pissed off that we’re still the Earth’s dominant species, and still messing it up huge.

black widow biochem, magical places

2007-12-30T22:05:00.000-08:00

LOS ANGELES - A biochemist who killed her husband by knocking him out and pouring hydrochloric acid on him was convicted Wednesday of first-degree murder.

Wow, dissolving a body in acid. No one would expect that. Unless of course, you’re a BIOCHEMIST.

JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) — Researchers in a remote jungle in Indonesia have discovered a giant rat and a tiny possum that are apparently new to science.

“It’s comforting to know that there is a place on Earth so isolated that it remains the absolute realm of wild nature," said expedition leader Bruce Beehler.

"Now we're going to helicopter in and clearcut a spot for a research centre."

The possum was described as “one of the worlds smallest marsupials.”

Sadly, now Paris Hilton wants one.

Hippos, manatees, and some non-cute things

2007-12-30T21:58:00.000-08:00

AYIA NAPA, Cyprus - Paleontologists have unearthed an estimated 80 dwarf hippos in Cyprus.

The miniature hippos were land-based, and occupied the island about 10000 years ago, during what scientists have termed the Cute Period.

KEY LARGO, Fla. - Manatees will remain on Florida's endangered species list for now. The commission had been considering whether to reclassify the manatee as a "threatened" species instead of "endangered."

They also retain their “animals that are on calendars all the time” designation, though they have slipped in ranking of “animals that girls draw on their binders.”

Researchers at Stanford University, who studied sedentary people for a year, found that automated exercise reminder phone calls had about the same get-up-and-go power as calls from human counsellors.

The researchers next project? To discover whether computer-generated messages of judgement and criticism can create self-hatred as consistently as those of actual teenage girls.

sad lonely souls, and hot sweaty dinosars

2007-12-30T21:55:00.000-08:00

PARIS - Finnish students came out on top of a worldwide education study on science performance. Canadian students were third, U.S. students 29th.

Americans wanted to criticize the study, but they couldn't quite comprehend the structure of the experiment.

WASHINGTON - A new ecological report states that divorce can be bad for the environment, because A married household actually uses resources more efficiently than a divorced household.

So hey, lonely people: don’t just feel sad and inadequate. Feel guilty.

To the polygamists: I know you’re feeling smug right about now, but having three wives is only more efficient if you don’t have a dozen kids.

The fossilized duckbilled hadrosaur is so well preserved that scientists have been able to calculate its muscle mass and learn that it was more muscular than thought, probably giving it the ability to outrun predators such as T. rex.

Wow. You know, I never really noticed how ripped that dinosaur mummy was. That, that is HOT.

twins, cancer, and little fat brats

2007-12-30T21:53:00.000-08:00

More than 75% of parents are concerned about the content of video games played by their children, a survey suggests. Almost half of the 4,000 parents surveyed in the UK, France, Italy and Germany said that one hour of gaming each day should be the limit.

However, 40% of those parents also said that it is anyone’s responsibility except theirs to establish discipline or healthy habits for their offspring.

Next month, the cancer arm of the World Health Organization will classify shift work as a "probable" carcinogen, the same category as cancer-causing agents like anabolic steroids, ultraviolet radiation and diesel engine exhaust.

So if you’re wondering what happened to all the bodybuilders at those 24-hour gyms, now you know: they’re at chemo.

A Chinese man is suing for divorce after discovering that he is the father of only one of his twins.

Although upset, the mother of the twins is looking on the bright side: “At least they’re both boys.”

greenhouse hijinx

2007-12-30T21:49:00.000-08:00

OTTAWA - Efforts to reduce global warming through technological innovations that improve fuel efficiency may be doomed and could even make the situation worse, says a new report.

In related news, big businesses and individuals heaved a sigh of relief as a new report on global warming gave them an excuse to stop trying.

OTTAWA - Native leaders from the West Coast and the South Pacific are pressuring the federal government to establish firm targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. Members of the Pacific People's Partnership say climate change is having a huge impact on indigenous communities.

Yeah. Because if there’s anything that really spurs our government to action, it’s the suffering of indigenous peoples.

EL ALTO, Bolivia – The glaciers of the Andes are melting at an alarming rate, raising fears for the area’s water supply.

Runoff from the glaciers will be available in bottles here in North America, under the brand name Our Earth is Dying and This is its Blood, You Selfish Bastards.

GHB, racism, and unnatural disasters

2007-12-30T21:42:00.001-08:00

NEW YORK (CNN) -- U.S. safety officials have recalled about 4.2 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys that contain a chemical that, once metabolized, converts into the toxic "date rape" drug GHB.

So ladies, take your business elsewhere if your local dance club is still offering those cute tasty Aquadot shooters.

HALIFAX - A group of international scientists called on world leaders Sunday to invest billions in a complex array of undersea technology to help to predict natural disasters. He said scientists were able to determine the intensity of hurricane Katrina two years ago because they knew the temperature of the water it passed over, which fuelled its force.

Yes, that's right, with a few billion dollars invested, every natural disaster can be managed as well as Hurricane Katrina.

A woman swarmed by a mob of Grade 8 boys in an apparent racially-charged attack near a northwest London school says she forgives her tormenters.

“Who knows”, said the woman, “they might have been whacked out on them Aquadots.”

giants bugs

2007-12-30T21:35:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK - Scientists have made ordinary human skin cells take on the chameleon-like powers of embryonic stem cells, a startling breakthrough that might someday deliver the medical payoffs of embryo cloning without the controversy.

Medical ethicists are warning of the potential costs of the breakthrough: less work for medical ethicists.

Hey guys, don't worry. I for one promise to continue to keep you busy by doing all kinds of morally questionable medical stuff.

LONDON - British scientists have found fossil evidence of ancient scorpions up to 2 meters long.

Hey Moms and Dads! Your kids are going to get nightmares about gigantic scorpions!

MONTREAL - If a Quebec company has its way, dirty diapers normally destined for landfills will soon be transformed into a cost-effective, synthetic diesel fuel.

To my mom: I don’t care how much it would save me on gas, I’m not getting knocked up.

corn. clone. mutant glowing cats.

2007-12-30T21:06:00.000-08:00

SEOUL, South Korea - South Korean scientists have cloned cats that glow red when exposed to ultraviolet rays. The country's Science and Technology Ministry says it's an achievement that could help develop cures for human genetic diseases.

“We’ll get to the cures eventually. Just a few more weird mutant glowing ones first.”

JOHNSTOWN -- Increased pressure will be placed on corn storage capacity at the Port of Prescott by the demands of a GreenField Ethanol plant now under construction across Hwy. 2 from the port.

I know how they feel – I had to rent a warehouse for storage because of my hunger for – oh wait, Corn! Okay, I heard that wrong. Never mind.

Tigers, hot miners, and unnatural disasters

2007-12-30T20:27:00.000-08:00

The city of Yellowknife is considering using that heat from defunct gold mines as greenhouse gas-free energy. Even in the dead of a Yellowknife winter, workers at the old Con mine on the edge of the city used to come up from the depths dressed in T-shirts and shorts due to the heat of the bedrock.

Was anyone else hoping that they’d have superpowers? I was hoping the miners got superpowers. But they didn’t. Not radioactive. Just toasty warm.

BANGKOK, Thailand - Thailand's parks and wildlife reserves could hold up to 2,000 wild tigers, about three times their current level, but only if the government steps up efforts to control poaching, researchers said Monday.

The scientists also expect tourism to improve, with the new slogan: “Thailand: It’s chock full of tigers.”

CAIRO, Egypt - Egypt might copyright its pharaonic antiquities, from the pyramids to scarab beetles, in an attempt to profit from the sale of replicas, an official said Thursday.

So if you dress up as Cleopatra for Halloween, you won't just be slutty, you’ll be illegal.

MOSCOW (AP) — An unmanned Russian cargo ship docked Wednesday at the international space station carrying two tons of supplies including Russian-tailored trousers, which it said were made of a new, thinner fabric more comfortable than the U.S.-made clothing used by the crew. If the crew like the pants, they could become standard.

So Canada, be proud of our Canadarm. But know that the Russians have upped the bar with slim-fitting, flattering Ruskachinos.

The city of Baltimore now offers at least $2,000 toward closing costs for people who buy new homes close to where they work.
“Just living near your job and taking transit or walking to meet your daily needs provides basically the same environmental benefit as buying a hybrid car,” said Amanda Eaken of the Natural Resources Defense Council.

You know what else is like buying a hybrid car? Electing a federal government that is even remotely concerned with destroying the earth less quickly.

According to the U.N. 2007 was the warmest year on record in the Northern Hemisphere, and included record high numbers of weather events such as droughts, hurricanes and floods. Arctic ice is also at record low levels.

Said the Canadian and American governments: “What an super bunch of coincidences!”